Understanding Men and Women

Men often find women difficult to understand. Women find men difficult to understand. Men and women are speaking different languages. Why did God make man and women so different?

One problem is personality. Different personalities say the same things differently and say different things that seem to mean the same.

As you understand each personality, you will hear that:

DIRECT PEOPLE 

• Make direct, factual statements.
• Tend to be rather brusque and to the point.
• Discuss facts more than they discuss other people.
• Use few words.

INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE 

• Speak with flowing, soft words such as issue instead of problem.
• Make use of words that are more courteous than accurate.
• Use many words to say something. They love to talk.
• Want to please everyone and will say whatever it takes. They do not want to upset you.
• Use colorful and descriptive words, painting word pictures.
• Tend to exaggerate a story and are often the main character.

STEADY PEOPLE 

• Speak with soft words.
• Use words that are courteous.
• Want to please everyone and will say whatever it takes. They will not say anything that causes conflict. They may say they agree with you whether they do or not to avoid a confrontation. They do not want to upset you.
• Seldom speak. When they do, they are encouraging.

CAUTIOUS PEOPLE 

• Use words that are formal, often using long technical words.
• Make direct, factual statements.
• May continue to explain when they think that you do not understand them long after you do understand.
• Discuss facts more than they discuss other people.

The different personality styles misunderstand each other. There is also the breakdown in communication between men and women. Many misunderstandings occur and feelings are hurt because men and women express themselves differently.

Example: He says: “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

He means: “I need time to understand what I’m feeling. I don’t want to sound stupid or foolish.”

She hears: “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

She feels: rejected

The closer the relationship, the easier it is for someone to take a comment personally and the more it hurts. In the above instance, the man could be a Steady or Cautious personality who naturally needs time to think things through. Or it may be an inconvenient time for him to get into a lengthy conversation.

 “Things we are uncomfortable with we avoid.” ― Anonymous

Men normally use one side of their brain at one time so they need time to transition from a thinking situation to a feeling situation. Women do not understand this because the average woman has no difficulty accessing both sides of her brain at the same time. She often does five or six things at one time and does not understand the man’s need for her patience.

If a man takes a few days to return to the discussion, he may be procrastinating and concerned that the woman will nag him or put him in the middle of a confrontation. Men do not mind another man confronting them, but are uncomfortable when confronted by a woman.

Consider setting a later time to continue the discussion. If you can’t set a time, you probably have forgotten it. In that case, it is essentially dropped. The objective is not to nag him or pressure him. Give him time to adjust, away from work or other distractions. Speak calmly and unemotionally to him.

Men are uncomfortable with a woman’s emotions. They may think that the woman is out of control and that can scare them. Feelings tend to be foreign to men. In general, they avoid thinking about how they feel. Men have a lower tolerance for emotional upsets than women. This causes them to assume a woman is as upset as she says she is. They do not realize that after she has a good cry, an outburst or talks things out, she’ll be fine.

Example: He says: “Calm down. You’re getting too emotional.”

He means: “I don’t know how to fix this and I’m afraid you’re getting out of control.”

She hears: “I don’t care what you’re feeling.”

She feels: misunderstood and her need for comfort or consolation is not met.

Something as simple as a sad movie can trigger strong emotions in a woman. This is not a bad thing. Sometimes, a woman feels. Nothing more. Do not try to read more into it than exists.

A woman, who doesn’t understand how a man thinks, is frustrated when a man discounts her feelings. Many men do not seem to appreciate this side of women. When a man does not take time to comfort her and listen to her, without trying to fix things, the woman feels unloved and rejected. She thinks he simply wants to shut her up. She believes that he does not care what she wants.

Men try to solve problems so they assume that solving the problem will help the woman. She may want comfort and cuddling that does not lead to sex. Women do better when they tell men that they do not want the problem solved. They only want a willing shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to them. Strong arms help a woman feel safe and cared for until she gets over her emotional state.

 “See everything. Overlook a great deal. Improve a little.”  ― Pope John XXIII

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• How do you want people to talk to you?
• When you are upset, what do you want from others? Can you tell them what you want?
• When and by whom do you believe you are misunderstood?
• How can you rectify this?