Find the Perfect Mate

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, sixty percent of the time second marriages end in divorce. Finding a perfect mate can be daunting but it is possible. If your first marriage did not work, what are you doing differently? Remember, insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Divorce can be extremely upsetting and possibly financially damaging. How can you be sure your next relationship will be any better? A happy relationship is not easy.

THE PERFECT MATE

Most people go into marriage with an impression of the perfect mate. This person will behave in the best way possible under all circumstances. Your mate will never embarrass you nor criticize you. The perfect mate will always be there for you, listen to you, encourage you, and hug you. This wonderful person will tell you what you want to hear when you most need to hear it. Your mate will meet all your needs. The perfect mate will be there forever and will always put you first.

The perfect mate is an imaginary person. You know this, but the illusion remains. Our culture has promised us from the time we were born that a perfect mate would appear for each of us. Is it any wonder why people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations

JUST A PERSON

Maybe the perfect mate doesn’t exist. Maybe the perfect mate is merely a human being with wants and needs and idiosyncrasies that annoy you. Maybe the perfect mate was not created to meet your needs, at all.

Like you, your perfect mate has good days and bad days. This person gets moody. This person gets angry, sick, tired, or insecure. The perfect mate does not always tell you what is bothering him or her. Your mate may not know. Where is the person you thought was perfect? Now that you realize this person is not perfect, how do you make this relationship better? Start by giving up the dream.

THE PERFECT MATE FOR YOU

People think they know what will make them happy, but sometimes when they get it, they find it wasn’t what they wanted.

It helps to understand who you are and what you want. See Personality Quiz, page 1, and DISC Personality Styles, page 7. Start by understanding your own wants, needs and feelings. If there are areas that need work, develop a plan to work on them. Learn to like and trust yourself. See Understand Your Human Rights, page 35.

Look at the personality style of your mate or someone you are considering as a partner. This helps you anticipate what to expect from this person in the future. Decide what you can accept about this person just as he or she is. You will not change this individual. Understanding helps you become more accepting, which diminishes tension, because the person feels more loved by you.

Your mate may have projects to work on without interruption, and distractions may be annoying. You take the rejection personally when it is nothing more than a natural personality trait for this person.

Before choosing a mate with whom you plan to live the rest of your life, be sure you both have the same goals for the marriage. Discuss each of your expectations, especially household and outside jobs, children, pets, in-laws, parents or existing children. If you cannot agree, proceed carefully.

The first step in a successful relationship is to understand yourself, what you want, need, will tolerate and expect. Explain to your mate what you want and expect from him or her. If your mate cannot give it, meet your needs in another way. If you need someone to talk to and your mate is not a person who listens well, develop a friendship with a person of the same sex who likes to listen to you. If your mate wants someone to go fishing or shopping with, and this is not your pleasure, suggest a friend who can share that activity. Be flexible. Realize that the perfect mate is not perfect. Neither are you.

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• What impossible dream are/were you trying to fulfill?
• What do you and your mate have in common?
• On what areas do you disagree?
• How do you work out your disagreements?
• How do you fill voids left by your mate?